


Biting Bullets

by Pininfarina



Category: RWBY
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-07-25 22:52:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7550341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pininfarina/pseuds/Pininfarina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Weiss, Ruby, mutual insomnia, old wounds, and new feelings. Now with extra chapters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_I have no excuses that I can offer_

_Just the hope that your forgiveness will hold back the water_

* * *

 

Your focus snaps to the present as the ropes above your bunk creak violently. Your heart rate skyrockets at the sudden intrusion, afraid, even though you know it’s just Ruby shifting in bed. The silence returns, and you withdraw once more. Until,

“Weiss, are you awake?” The question hangs in the air as you contemplate whether or not to answer. Of course you’re awake. You’re always awake at this hour. “Weiss?”

Finally, “I’m awake. What do you want?”

“Oh, uh, nothing. I don’t know. I was just checking I guess.” She sounds uncertain, and you sigh to yourself.

“Ruby. What is it,” you say, inexplicably annoyed and concerned.

“Nothing, go back to sleep. I just had a weird dream and I got confused is all.” She’s lying; you’ve known her long enough. You decide to let it go. But not before,

“You woke me up just to tell me to go to sleep?”

A long pause, and you start to wonder if she’s going to answer. A sigh floats towards you from above.

“Weiss?”

“What, Ruby?” Your voice carries just a touch of venom, payback for being disrupted.

More silence. You roll onto your side, back to Blake and Yang’s beds; you find that the empty wall better suits you on nights like these.

“Does the ocean make you feel small?” The words are cautious, careful.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You know what it means. You’re not sure if she does.

“I mean, do you feel…you know, insignificant, I guess, when you think about how big the world is?”

“No.” You don’t need oceans to make you feel small. “Do you?”

“No.” You’re not surprised. Ruby is unbounded; oceans are not.

“Then why’d you ask?”

“I was just wondering.” The bed creaks again as she shifts. Her head appears above yours. How did she know which way you’re facing?

“Hey, Weiss?”

“What?” The moonlight is stifled on this side of the bed, and all you can see of her face is the faint glow of her skin, a smudge of pale porcelain in the dark. The scent of roses falls all around you.

“What’s your favorite season?”

“Why are you interrogating me at one o’clock in the morning?”

“I dunno. I just couldn’t sleep and I know you’re usually awake—” how does she know that?—“so I just thought I’d…you know, talk to you.”

Your ribcage rattles slightly at the words. You feel a haughty retort in your throat but it gets tangled up with something unfamiliar.

“Spring is my favorite. Everything is so alive and fresh. But I love summer too, because that’s when all the best berries are ripe.” You’re not sure how she knows that you need a moment to find your tongue.

“I like winter.” You expect an Ice Queen joke, but none appears to be forthcoming. Instead, Ruby hums in acknowledgement.

“I like winter, too. It’s delicate and pretty, and the air feels nice.” Does this girl find beauty in everything? You decide to ask. Ruby lapses into a contemplative silence for a moment before answering.

“Cardin is pretty ugly.” You cluck your tongue in annoyance. You want to hit her.

“I’m serious Ruby.”

“So am I. There is a lot of beauty in the world, Weiss. Forever Fall, the ocean, wildflowers, snow, lightning, campfires, songbirds…you.” Iron bands constrict around your chest and your breath catches in your throat. Ruby hesitates briefly before continuing, not noticing your reaction. “I’ve seen some ugly things, Weiss. You have to in order to appreciate beauty in everything else.”

At this, you feel your resolve wavering. You’ve seen a lot of hideous things in your life, but you don’t see beauty anymore. You wonder if you ever really did.

“How do you do it?” You hate the way your voice cracks.

“Hmm?”

“How do you…how are you still so happy, after everything you’ve lost? How do you look at the world and still insist that you can change it for the better? How are you so sure that things will be okay?” You’ve said too much, and from what little of her face you can see in the meager light, you’re certain she’s realized it as well. You look away, towards the empty wall, but it no longer offers you any comfort.

“I’m not sure that things will be okay.” She’s choosing her words carefully. “I want them to be. I don’t want other people to hurt the way I do, the way my dad does.” At this, Ruby slips out of her bed, feet ghosting across the floor so quietly that you doubt even Blake’s ears could have picked up the sound. Your own bed dips suddenly as she sits. She turns halfway towards you, her right leg folded underneath her, and you slide upright, drawing your knees to your chest and wrapping your arms around them.

You let your guard down just a moment too long, and now your partner is sitting on your bed, thinking she can somehow heal you in all your broken places. Maybe she could, if you let her.

But you won’t.

 

“What was your mom like?” You immediately berate yourself for asking such a harsh question, even if it’s to avoid talking about yourself. But if Ruby is bothered, she doesn’t show it.

“I don’t really remember her. I was pretty young when she died. I mostly just remember that she loved to bake. And when she gave me milk, she always gave it to me warm, with honey. Aside from that, I don’t really know.” A strangled feeling of jealousy and guilt surges inside your chest, and you scrape your fingernails against your shoulders to avoid indulging your emotions.

“What’s your mom like? I mean, I guess your dad’s a big jerk, but you never talk about your mom.” Sometimes Ruby’s tactlessness could be charming, but right now it’s like a sucker punch to the gut.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” you snap, but your voice betrays you with the slightest quiver. Ruby shifts nearer, until she’s sitting on your feet. You draw your legs closer, flinching back from the contact. She looks at you for a long moment, her moonlit face inscrutable. You feel heat rising behind your eyes despite yourself, and you look towards the wall again, blinking hard.

“Weiss, I—”

“Don’t. Just, stop.” You loathe the way your words come out like poison.

“I’m sorry.” Ruby’s whisper sounds mortified, and you look back at her only to feel shame wash over you when you see the tears in her silver eyes. You sit up straighter, pushing your back against the headboard.

“Ruby, no. No, I’m sorry.” You curse yourself for making your partner hurt. You immediately plan to punish yourself later. Instinctively, you drop your right hand to your hip, fingers delicately brushing scars through the thin silk of your nightgown. There’s a mark for every mistake.

“I didn’t know.” There’s a tremble in her voice that makes you want to curl up and die.

“Of course you didn’t.” You fight to keep your signature Schnee composure, but you can feel it slipping like so many tears trailing down your partner’s cheeks.

Ruby continues to cry silently, her face crumpled. She suddenly looks much smaller than you remember. Unsure of what to do, you lean forward and reach your hand towards hers. Her skin is searing hot, and she doesn’t pull away. Instead, her fingers find their way between yours, and she’s squeezing your hand tightly.

“Ruby,” you say softly. She takes a deep, shuddering breath, and meets your gaze with wet eyes. “I’m sorry I’m like this.” Your chest tightens, but you push forward. “You’re so beautiful and amazing and full of love and life, and I guess I don’t understand how. I tend towards cruelty when I can’t understand; it’s how I was raised. I want to be different…I’ve been trying so hard, yet here I am, making my best friend cry.” You break off, losing your courage. Ruby looks puzzled.

“Weiss, you didn’t make me cry. I’m crying for you, not because of you.” You blink, taken aback at these words.

“What are you talking about?” An edge enters your voice because you suddenly know exactly what she’s talking about, and you want to run away from it. A knot forms in your stomach.

“Your mom, Weiss. I thought maybe she had died or something. But that’s just so much worse. I miss my mom like crazy, and I just can’t imagine…” The knot tightens painfully.

“Can’t imagine what, Ruby,” you push, feeling dread pool in your lungs.

“Well, I can’t imagine my mom leaving me on purpose,” she finishes. Ruby had picked up some discretion here and there from her teammates, and right now she’s working hard to employ it. You can tell she’s avoiding saying, _I can’t imagine my mom not loving me._ You feel a mix of gratitude and revulsion over her empathy.

“You get used to it.” You know the deflection is weak. You can tell she isn’t fooled because she moves even closer to you. You become dimly aware that your fingers are still interlocked, and your mouth goes slightly dry.

“Weiss, you don’t have to lie to me. I’m your partner.” Why does she insist on feeling for you? It makes it so much harder to detach. You hate yourself for letting her cry over your imperfections. You hate yourself for letting her get so close to your weaknesses, and your heart. You pull your hand out of her grip and push it under the blankets, balled in a fist.

“I think you should go to bed, Ruby. It’s late.” Your tone is cutting, and Ruby recoils as if stung. You fight off another wave of guilt.

“Weiss…I…I had a nightmare.” Even in the dim light, you see her cheeks grow tinted.

“Oh. Is that why you’re awake?” Of course it is. You realize that she must have nightmares pretty often for her to be so embarrassed and…for her to know that you’re always awake right now, lying in bed brooding, your breaths not coming slow and steady as they would in slumber. Does she really pay that close attention?

You almost miss her nod in answer to your question. She doesn’t move to speak, and neither do you.

Several minutes pass in silence. You idly trace the scars on your hip, unsure now if you deserve a mark for this conversation. Ruby fidgets with her fingernails, giving no indication that she plans to go back to her own bed. You steel your nerves and inhale as if to speak. Ruby looks up at you expectantly, but no words come forth. She waits.

After a strangled moment,

“Are you going to go to bed?”

“Oh. Um, I guess.” She looks a little hurt, but stands up nonetheless. As she puts a foot on your bedframe to hoist herself, you catch her wrist decisively.

“You don’t have to leave.” The words tumble out incoherently.

“What?”

You clear your throat, embarrassed now. “I mean, just, you can stay, if you want. If you’re scared of having another bad dream.” You can feel the heat flushing your face, and you let go of her wrist to shrink back into yourself. You’re not sure if you’re offering for her, or for yourself. Either reason is novel to you.

Ruby regards you with an unfathomable expression, but murmurs her assent. She carefully climbs over you and slips under the sheets, wiggling down until her head is on your pillow. Her body heat is positively tantalizing in the crisp fall air, and you resist the urge to burrow into her. Instead, you slide down next to her and turn towards the empty wall once more, but this time you are finally able to close your eyes.

Just as you feel ready to sleep, Ruby’s small voice jostles you awake again.

“Weiss?”

“Yes, Ruby?”

“Yang told me I was too old for nightmares when I was 12. She stopped letting me sleep in her bed.”

“That’s silly. Nobody is too old for nightmares.” You hope this doesn’t give away your own secret, but Ruby doesn’t seem to pick up on it.

“I wish they would stop.” You turn over to face her, and see that she’s pensive, not entirely there in the bed with you.

“I’m sorry,” you offer contritely, knowing it could never be enough.

“It’s okay.” She smiles at you, her lips warm and sincere. “I think I’ll sleep alright here.” You feel something like affection heating your face, and you turn away to hide the sheepish grin that begins to tug at your mouth.

“Then let’s go to sleep.” Your somehow manage to convey a tone of authority even in your whispered words, and Ruby settles into the mattress, leaning her forehead against your back.

“Goodnight, Weiss,” she yawns.

“Goodnight, Ruby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your thoughts in the comments if you'd like. I plan to leave this fic as a one-shot but I'm open to continuing it if people like it.  
> Intro quote from the song Amends by Touche Amore.
> 
> Edit: I've decided to add at least one more chapter. I'm not sure where this fic is taking me, but I plan to par the course with character exploration rather than plot development.  
> Also, I've never written a second-person POV before, so bear with me. I appreciate all the kudos, and the comments! :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruby runs away from her problems.

_I know that even with the seams stitched tightly, darling, scars will remain_   
_I say we scrape them from each other, darling, and let them wash off in the rain_   
_And when they run into the river, oh no, let the water not complain_

* * *

 

You wake up late, like usual. It’s Saturday, so it doesn’t really matter if you sleep all day. Except…

“Oh, you’re _finally_ awake! Now we can go to breakfast.” Yang is already showered and dressed, which means you really slept in. Blake is curled up on her bed, reading, with Zwei at her feet. You vaguely wonder when she got over her distaste for the dog. And Ruby…

With a surge of panic, you look around, but there is no indication that you ever slept any way but alone last night. Ruby is rummaging in the closet, presumably for a shirt, as she isn’t currently wearing one. You find yourself following the slope of her spine from the spot where her skirt hugs her lower back to where her delicate shoulders dip as she bends over, the tips of her hair brushing her skin lightly. Without anything to hide her frame, she looks surprisingly fragile. You wonder why you’ve never noticed this before; after all, you’ve seen her in various stages of indecency in the time that you’ve known her. It’s unavoidable, with four people in one small room.

“You didn’t have to wait for me, you know,” you say stiffly, looking back at Yang. You’re annoyed that you’re being pressured to get up and go somewhere; you almost miss the implication that your teammates chose to wait for you.

“I know. But we did. So get up, we’re hungry.” Despite her light and playful tone, you bristle.

“I still have to shower and get dressed. It’s going to be awhile.” Yang rolls her eyes dramatically.

“Fine, take your time. I’m going though. Blake?” Blake’s amber eyes flick from her book to Yang. She shrugs and sits up, her motion pushing Zwei further down the bed.

“Yeah,” is all she says.

“Ruby?” Yang looks expectantly at her sister’s back. She still hasn’t found a shirt, but there is a pile of rejected tops growing next to her.

“I’ll catch up when I find a shirt I like,” she calls over her shoulder. Yang sighs and heads for the door, saying something about how it’s their loss. You wait for the door to shut behind her before sitting up. Ruby had apparently been waiting for them to leave as well, because she turns to you.

“Morning, Weiss,” she says brightly. She’s clutching a black t-shirt in her hand. You recognize it as the one with her emblem printed on the front in white; she wears it all the time, and you’re certain it hasn’t been washed in at least a month.

“Morning,” you mumble back. She’s watching you, but you feel suddenly nervous about meeting her gaze. Instead, you slide out from under your sheets and head to the adjoining bathroom.

You close the door quietly and turn on the shower before pulling your nightgown sluggishly over your head. While you wait for the water to warm, you stare at yourself in the full-length mirror on the door.

A slight, pale girl stares back at you, her light blue eyes hardened, defiant, yet hollow with exhaustion and something else you can’t quite name. An ugly slash adorns her left eye, marring her otherwise delicate and graceful features. Her shoulders are narrow, collarbones curving elegantly towards a fragile necklace. Her scarce bust gives way to prominent ribs and a stomach so small it nearly caves towards the spine.

The slender hips are lopsided, the right side being disfigured by raised scars, ugly purples and reds mixing with pale whites and browns. There are several gashes still struggling to heal, and these ones are crimson. You bring your hand towards your own hip and watch the girl in the mirror do the same.

You turn away, disgusted. You have always hated the girl in the mirror. Today is no exception.

 

* * *

 

You watch Weiss’s snow-white hair disappear behind the bathroom door, the ends fluttering daintily in her wake. A moment later, the shower tap squeaks slightly as she turns it. You pull your shirt on and sit on her bed. When you hear the water become disrupted by her stepping into the stream, you slump forward with a heavy sigh, letting your head drop into your hands.

The memory of your nightmare returns in your solitude, and you let the images wash over you afresh, because you know by now that nothing will stop them from coming. Better to let it happen now than when someone is around to notice.

_A white cape twirls in a nonexistent breeze, sending a flurry of rose petals dancing in air. The hooded figure is kneeling over a body, head bent as if in mourning. Beyond the figure, an impossibly high cliff side begs you to jump. You stumble forward, legs numb and chest growing tight. Pulling off your own hood, you feel your eyes filling with tears._

_“Mom?” The woman slowly raises her head, but does not turn to you._

_“Mom!” You take another step, reach your hand towards her shoulder. The moment your fingers make contact, you know something is wrong. She turns to you, and you reel backwards, revulsion and fear flooding your lungs._

_Red eyes, scorching in their rage, smolder into your own. Her face is stark white and crawling with hideous black veins, crimson lips curled into a vicious, bloodthirsty snarl. She smiles at you, a sickening gesture._

_As you back away in horror, you spare a glance at the body lying behind her. It is mutilated, grotesque, but unmistakable._

“Ruby? Ruby! Are you okay?!” Weiss is standing right in front of you, her face blanched with fear. You snap your head up and straighten your back, stammering out an unintelligible reply.

“You were shouting. What’s going on?” She looks like she had rushed out of the shower; normally, she wraps her hair in a towel and wears a bathrobe, but right now she is clutching her towel around her body, hair dripping onto the carpet.

“W-what? I wasn’t shouting.” You feel a wave of nausea roll through and you squeeze your eyes shut.

“Ruby, I could hear you from the shower. What’s wrong?” You open your eyes and look at your partner’s face. Her expression is a mixture of panic and anger, her blue eyes full of anxiety.

“Nothing’s wrong, Weiss. Stop worrying.” You can tell that your attempt at your usual demeanor has failed.

“Ruby Rose, we are not leaving this room until you tell me what’s wrong. I’m your partner. And we agreed we would go to each other for help. So, talk to me.” You decide to change tact.

“Weiss, I don’t want to talk about it, okay? Drop it.” You can hear irritation and finality in your tone, and you know it’s done the trick. You see a flash of hurt cross Weiss’s face for scarcely a moment before melting into her usual irritable expression.

“Fine, but whenever you’re done being a stubborn dolt, I’ll be waiting.” With that, she turns on her heel and stalks to the closet, grabbing a pressed skirt and top from one of her hangers. With one last glare in your direction, she returns to the bathroom, slamming the door shut.

You sit motionless for a minute, unsure what to make of Weiss’s outburst. You don’t understand why she’s so angry, but you push this aside in favor of escaping the room. You quickly pull on some chucks and make a break for the door.

You don’t feel like breakfast anymore, so instead you head for the river that winds behind the academy buildings. You go here sometimes to clear your head.

When you arrive, you walk further along the banks than usual. You lose track of time, until your scroll begins buzzing. You pull it from your pocket. It’s Yang, probably looking for you. You check the time and realize you’ve been walking for forty minutes. You’ve left the grasslands behind and are deep in the woods now. You look around for a good spot, and settle on a grassy swathe that overhangs the water.

You’re not sure how long you’ve been staring into the water, throwing blades of grass into the current. But your stomach has become impossible to ignore, so you finally stand and head back to the school.

 

* * *

 

Ruby returns several hours later, but by now you have resolved to ignore her. Her lack of confidence in you stings; you attempt to write it off as her making a heroic attempt at bearing her burdens alone, but to no avail. It still hurts, and so you decide to do what you do best and lock your heart up in chains.

When she walks in the door, you don’t even take your eyes off your assignment from Oobleck, though you stopped taking the information in long ago. You hear the ropes of her bed creak menacingly as she crawls under her sheets.

The hours pass excruciatingly, but finally the sun goes down far enough to justify getting in bed. Ruby hasn’t left her bed all day, but when you climb into your own, she hops down and heads for the door. Yang and Blake are mysteriously absent.

“Ruby.” You fail to keep the accusation out of your voice. Her shoulders tense and you hear her sigh. She looks back at you, and her eyes are reddened. You feel a tidal wave of shame wash over you.

“What, Weiss?” She sounds so tired and small. You can’t bring yourself to lecture her about keeping secrets; after all, you have so many of your own. Your brittle resolve snaps.

“If you want…if you’re…” Your tongue feels too thick for your mouth. She looks at you, nonplussed. You try again.

“It’s okay. That you don’t want to talk. But if you…I mean, because of your dream…” Again, you choke on what you really want to say.

“Um…sorry Weiss but I don’t speak tongue-tied.” You feel your face flush with frustration.

“You can sleep with me,” you blurt out. You immediately realize your mistake and you backtrack. “I—I mean, you can sleep in the bed…with me, tonight…again. If you want. Because of your nightmares.” Ruby looks embarrassed; her cheeks fill with color and she turns back towards the door.

“Ah, t-thanks for the offer but I-I’m okay. Really.” She opens the door and disappears, leaving you more alone than ever.

“Oh,” you whisper into the empty room. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!  
> Intro quote taken from the song Nobody, Not Even the Rain by La Dispute


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weiss makes a big decision.

_I'm not where I should be_  
_I'm not what I could be_  
_But I'm not who I was_

 

* * *

You find your feet carrying you towards the edge of the airship station. You’re not sure why, but you want to dangle your legs over the cliff. Maybe you want to experience the urge to jump. Maybe you just want to look at the stars and feel even more insignificant. You don’t really care which it is; you need to focus on ignoring the pricking in the backs of your eyes.

Ruby rejected you twice in one day. After she reached out to you last night, you thought maybe she would be honest when you did the same for her today. You let her in, and then she shut you out. This stings worse than when the Schnee secretary so arrogantly informed you that your father had better things to do than watch you fight for your decision to attend Beacon. This burns more than the scar you received that day.

When you reach the edge of the cliff, the tears come, and they don’t spare you. You sit with your legs hanging over the void, then lie flat on your back, sobbing unrestrainedly. It’s been a very long time since you cried, and it seems like you’re paying off a debt, unshouldering years of pent-up anguish. It doesn’t feel good.

What’s even worse than the crying, though, is when a voice cuts through your sobs.

“Weiss?” You jump so violently that your back cracks, and you shoot bolt upright.

“Blake! What—what are you doing here?!” Your attempt at composure falls entirely flat. Blake raises an unimpressed eyebrow. She’s standing just a couple feet behind you, arms crossed over her chest.

“What do you want,” you demand, but your voice is so weak that you end in a whisper. Blake bows her head and sighs audibly. You realize bleakly that you’re in no position to pretend like you’re in control.

“Mind if I join you?” You balk in horror, but before you can answer, she’s sitting to your left, one leg hanging over the ledge, the other tucked towards her chest. She only lets you have a couple moments of silence.

“Weiss, remember when we got in that big fight about the White Fang and I ran off for an entire weekend?” You nod, sniffling deeply and wiping your nose surreptitiously on your sleeve.

“How about when I was obsessed with stopping Torchwick, and you actually balanced your chair on two legs, _while standing on it_ , and demanded to know what was bothering me?” You nod again, knowing exactly where the conversation is going. You wish you could throw yourself from the cliff to avoid it.

“That night I fought Torchwick, you made me promise that I’d come to you guys when something big came up. I was going to break that promise, but you didn’t let me. When I shared what was on my mind, you, all three of you, came through for me. I had some stupid idea in my head that I had to deal with it all on my own.” She lets out a wry chuckle. “But I didn’t have to, and I never would have known that if you hadn’t reminded me what friends are for.

“I know you aren’t one to talk about your feelings, but I know there are some really bad ones inside you. Sometimes I wake up at night and look over and you’re wide awake. And other nights…” Blake pauses, but you make absolutely no indication that you wish for her to continue. She sighs and chews on her lip indecisively. After a long moment, she continues.

“Other nights I hear you go into the bathroom.” A hurricane of panic hits your stomach. “And I…” She breaks off again and you look at her. She’s staring out over the water, jaw knotted with tension. There are tears in her eyes.

“Blake,” you whisper, your voice cracking. You’re desperate for anything but this. Anything.

“I don’t know if you forget, but I’m part cat. And I… I can smell the blood, Weiss.” You feel your brain shatter as your chest collapses. You’re completely naked, stripped bare and horrifically vulnerable. You need to leave. You have to get out of here right now.

You lurch to your feet, frantic to escape. Blake jumps up, seizing your upper arm and pulling you away from the cliff. You struggle to get free, your breathing rising to near hyperventilation, but her fingers are like steel. After a few seconds of helplessly scrabbling at her grip, her other hand catches your wrist and she pulls you into a protective hug. With no strength left in your legs, you collapse into her shoulder. Fresh tears flow hot down your cheeks and you feel disgusted with how loud the sobs that rack your body have become.

All of a sudden, you’re sitting on the ground once more, but this time, Blake’s warm arms are surrounding you. Your face is buried so deeply in her collarbone that you can barely breathe, but at the moment you’d rather suffocate than look her in the eye.

 

 

After what seems like eons, you feel calmness tug at the corners of your mind, begging to be let in. You take a few shuddering breaths to steady yourself.

“Please tell me you haven’t told anyone,” you mumble into Blake’s shoulder. She leans away to look you in the eyes.

“I would never tell someone. Not unless I had to.” She clearly doesn’t miss the panic that crosses your face, because she adds, “I’m the only one who knows. Yang would have told me if she knew.”

“How long have you known?” Your voice is tiny, and you loathe the way it sounds.

“A few months. I would wake up to the door hinge squeaking, and I figured you were just peeing or whatever. Then the third time it happened I just couldn’t fall back asleep, and that’s when I smelled the blood. So I started to check on you. Zwei always jumps up on my bed anyways, so I taught him to wake me up every night. And you were always awake, too.”

You nod numbly. But then a new question occurs to you.

“Were you following me tonight?” Blake quirks an eyebrow at you.

“No. I’m not _that_ obsessed with you,” she teases. You frown as she continues, “I was walking back from the library and I saw you running through the courtyard. Figured I’d come check on you. You’ve been weird all day. You slept later than Yang, you ditched us at breakfast, and you spent the entire day at your desk making no progress with your homework. I was worried. I guess I had a right to be. I’ve never seen you cry before.”

“Yeah well I don’t make a habit of it,” you grumble, looking away.

“No kidding. Speaking of habits, are you and Ruby gonna make a habit of the whole sharing a bed thing?” You feel your face go beet red as Blake smirks. You stammer out an incoherent string of words that peaks upwards like a question but also manages to sound like a jumbled excuse. In response, Blake simply twitches the cat ears hidden beneath her bow, amber eyes gleaming. You irritably pull out of her embrace and stand up, straightening your clothing to avoid addressing the topic. You can feel that your face is still burning.

“Weiss?” Her voice comes out surprisingly soft.

“Yeah.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

“Okay. But can I just say one thing?”

“If you must.”

“Ruby may seem tough, but she’s awake at night just as often as you are. Be soft with her.” With that, Blake stands and hooks her arm around yours, guiding you back to the dorm.

 

* * *

 

You jump and cut off your sentence when the door opens, and Blake walks in with Weiss trailing behind. Yang looks inquiringly at Weiss, and then Blake, who merely shrugs. Apparently satisfied, Yang stands up and stretches. She makes no indication that you have been talking about serious stuff for the past thirty minutes.

“About time you two got back. You really gotta spend less time in the library. It’s bad for your soul.”

“Excuse you. Just because _you_ never learned to appreciate reading does _not_ mean it is bad for the soul! In fact, reading has been proven to improve intelligence _and_ creativity.” Weiss sounds like her normal self, unsurprisingly.

“But at what cost, Weiss,” Yang groans. “At what cost?!” Weiss simply scoffs in response and picks up her nightgown from her bed before stalking into the bathroom.

By the time she returns, everyone is in bed. Yang is playing a game on her scroll, and Blake is reading. You watch Weiss as she puts her day clothes in her hamper and heads to her bunk. She looks up at you, but you quickly avert your eyes, keen to avoid her attention after your earlier snub.

 

* * *

 

It’s 3 A.M. and you’re still awake. Your brain feels congealed from your earlier meltdown, and a headache is pounding behind your temples, but sleep evades you. You’d hoped that the rollercoaster of emotions would exhaust you, yet here you are, awake just the same as the past few months. You think maybe you drifted off for an hour or two, but if you had, it was fitful and shallow sleep.

The bed above you creaks, and you know Ruby hasn’t found rest either. You can hear Yang’s deep, slow breathing, while Blake’s breaths are soft and drawn out. But Ruby’s lungs are silent; she’s making an effort to stay undetected. You wonder how long she’s been like this. You realize maybe you don’t know your leader and partner at all. You feel like you don’t have the right to call her your friend.

 

You think back to Blake’s words. And for the first time in your life, you decide to pick the locks on someone else’s heart instead of tightening the chains around your own.

 

“Ruby?” No response.

“Ruby I know you’re awake.” A sigh heaves from her lungs, but she doesn’t speak. You change tactic.

“Do you want to come for a walk? It might help the restlessness.” A deeper sigh reaches your ears, then the soft rustling of bedsheets as she slips off her bunk.

While Ruby fumbles with her cloak, you pull a pair of loose pants on and yank a sweatshirt over your nightgown before sliding into some flats. You are briefly grateful that it’s late.

As you walk through the courtyard, Ruby pulls her hood over her head, clutching the fabric around her ears. It’s fairly warm out; you assume this is her way of avoiding your eye. No words have been spoken, but in a way you find this comforting.

Without warning, Ruby grabs your wrist and pulls you to the left, veering out of the courtyard and towards the wilderness beyond the school. You follow wordlessly.

 

* * *

 

Weiss’s wrist is warm beneath your fingers. She is here now, complicit in your wakefulness. You think this is better than the nightmares, especially because she hasn’t asked about them. You’re glad she hasn’t brought it up; you want that conversation to happen on your own terms, because nothing else in your life ever has.

When you reach the river, Weiss inhales deeply, and you do the same, taking in the clean scent of river and forest. The moon is almost full, casting a silver wash over everything and making the water gleam. The current seems quieter somehow, like even the river is slumbering while you are wide awake.

You sit on the riverbank and pull your shoes off, then scrunch your pajama pants to your thighs and wade into the frigid water. The current tugs at your legs gently, and the bed of pebble-strewn sand soothes your feet. You glance over your shoulder. Weiss is still on the grass.

“You should come in. It’s refreshing.”

“I’m not interested in getting wet.”

“Aw come on, just your feet at least?” Weiss sighs in resignation and plops onto the bank, dipping her toes in the stream. You wade in the shallows, feeling for river stones with your feet. You pocket the smoothest ones.

 

Eventually, the cold water gets the better of you and you return to the shore, where Weiss has already put her shoes on.

“Here, I thought you’d like these.” You hold out a couple of stones and she gives you an affronted look.

“What am I supposed to do with those?” You flinch at her tone, and her expression instantly softens. “They’re pretty. I bet they’d make good touchstones.” She takes them from you and rubs her thumb across the biggest one before slipping them in her pocket.

The sky is just barely beginning to lighten now, and you can hear birds waking in the surrounding trees. The sun isn’t up yet, and this gives you an idea.

“Weiss, let’s watch the sun rise! I’ve never done it before. But I know a place that’s up high and faces east.” Without waiting, you strike out, following the river like you did the day before. You hear grass swishing as Weiss hurries to catch up.

 

* * *

 

You and Ruby are racing the sun, and you’ve been walking so long that you’re sure you’ll lose.

“So where exactly are we going,” you call out. She slows her pace until she’s alongside you.

“There’s a _huuuge_ drop-off about a quarter mile from here with a giant pine tree. I walked by it the other day while I was following the river. The river kinda curves to the south and the land heading east leads to a cliff. It could have been a waterfall if the river hadn’t gone south instead.” Ruby sounds disappointed about the lack of waterfalls, even though there are two roaring falls on the western face of the school.

“Are we getting close?” You didn’t sign up for a hike when you offered to go for a walk, and now you feel somewhat annoyed. You bite this back and remind yourself that you’re doing this for Ruby, that you’re trying to be a good friend.

“Oh yeah, it’s less than five minutes from here. See, the river goes that way, but we’re going to keep going this way. It’s not far.” You follow Ruby’s finger as it points first to the water, then towards the forest.

The next few minutes pass in silence, until you reach the cliff and gasp audibly. The earth drops off so deeply that the towering treetops below are at least fifty feet down. You shiver at the height and retreat to the safety of the pine tree that guards the otherwise barren area.

You look around and finally find Ruby sitting high in the tree. She calls down for you to join her. You bristle at the idea of climbing a tree. Schnees do not climb trees like animals.

But then you realize: _Schnees do not climb trees_. With that in mind, you begin your ascent. Before long, you've joined Ruby on a large branch overlooking the forest. You sit side-by-side, quiet and content in the pre-dawn light. You close your eyes and let the air wash over you; it feels clean and healing. You think maybe you could sit here for hours. Ruby breaks your reverie.

"I'm sorry, about earlier. I didn't mean to be a jerk." You look at her and shake your head.

"Ruby, it's okay. You don't have to apologize. I was being pushy. I was out of line."

"No, the thing is, I wanted to talk about it. It's just been so long since anyone wanted to listen. I guess after you're a teenager nobody wants to hear about your problems." She looks down past her dangling feet, to the ground below. It's a long way down. You put a hand on her shoulder.

"I do." Ruby looks up, startled, and you continue, "I know I can be difficult, but I'm trying to be a good friend. I just, I don't really know how." She smiles at you and it warms something deep inside your heart.

"You're fine, Weiss. You _are_ a good friend."

You automatically deflect the compliment. "Do you want to talk about earlier?" The smile slides slowly off her lips and something dark clouds over her eyes.

"Yeah, I do. I...I get these nightmares, about my mom." You feel your stomach go cold. "But it's not _her_ , you know? It's a monster. With really pale white skin and red eyes and these disgusting black veins all over its face.” She shudders. “But it looks like her, and it wears her hood. And every night, I call out to her from behind, and every night she turns around and she’s a monster. And she's always standing over a bloody body. And that body is always me. I don't know what it means but it’s terrifying. I wake up sweating and feeling like my heart is going to jump right out of my chest." She shakes her head, hard, as if to clear the memory away. You find your hand idly rubbing circles across her shoulder blade.

"Does anything ever change about the dream?"

"No, it's always exactly the same."

"When did they start?" Ruby thinks for a minute.

"I'd say when I was maybe seven. A couple years after she died, at least. Yang used to let me sleep with her when I had them, but she got sick of it when we got older. She said she wanted to sleep alone, and that I was old enough to know my nightmares aren't real. They started happening more often when I came here. I don't know why."

Unsure of what to say, you remain quiet. You're certain she doesn't want your pity, but you're at a loss for words. Ruby leans into your shoulder and you wrap your arm all the way around her, satisfied when you hear her take a deep, stabilizing breath.

Suddenly, as though it had been waiting for the conversation to die, the sun bursts out above the distant mountains. The entire sky becomes, all at once, a glorious mural of pinks and oranges, the sparse clouds saturating with the brilliant hues of sunrise. The very air is golden now. You feel cleaner, freer somehow. Ruby sighs contentedly from her nest under your arm.

 

Your feelings of tranquility linger even when you’re slipping back into your bed to get some rest before the day truly begins.

For the first time in months, you fall asleep instantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, new chapter, finally! Let me know what you think. :)  
> Intro quote taken from Late Nights In My Car by Real Friends.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruby's relief from nightmares is short-lived.

_Confront your reflection_  
_Smash what you see_  
_And let's restart  
_ _Cause mirrors can't see our heart._

* * *

 

 

You wake from your nightmare in a panic. This one was more vivid than the others, perhaps because it’s the first one since you watched the sunrise with Weiss four days ago. Whatever the reason, you feel your heart fighting to escape your chest, your breaths coming rapidly as you struggle to understand your sudden release from the dream.

You immediately curl in on yourself and begin sobbing, hot tears streaming down your cheeks. The image of Summer Rose, the gentle but valiant huntress, her face covered in hideous black veins and her eyes blood-red, burns itself into your brain. What’s more, the nightmare was different this time, and immeasurably worse. The bloodied, brutalized body was not your own this time. You cannot un-see it. And you know it’s not real but that makes it scarier somehow.

Suddenly, your bed pitches to the left as someone else puts weight on it. You sit up, startled, and find yourself staring into familiar eyes bleached of their usual blue by the silvery wash of the full moon.

“Weiss—” you begin to stammer an excuse but she puts a finger to her lips. You fall silent and watch as she struggles to hoist herself onto your bunk. When she finally gets up, she sits down with her legs crossed and her elbows on her knees, watching you with concern.

“Was it the same one?” You nod quietly, unwilling to tell her that there was something new this time. Especially considering…

“Are you okay?” You nod again, but as the question sinks in you realize that you’re not okay. You’re terrified and fragile and you hate that this nightmare won’t leave you alone. You hate how helpless it makes you feel. You hate everything about it, from its persistence to the fact that you can’t understand what it’s supposed to mean.

As these thoughts wash over you, tears threaten your eyes once more. Weiss reaches out and puts her hand on your shoulder, and before you know it she’s lying down, pulling you onto her chest and wrapping both arms protectively around you. You begin to cry in earnest, tears staining her nightgown as you shake with barely-contained sobs. A thousand emotions cascade in your chest but you notice vaguely that humiliation is not one of them. Instead of shame and embarrassment, you feel safe, comforted in the knowledge that Weiss is going to stay right here until you feel okay.

She is stroking your back with one hand, running her fingers through your hair with the other, keeping it from plastering to your face. You try to focus on the tingling sensation of her fingers trailing over your scalp, and the steady rhythm of her heart beating against your ear. These things soothe you until you’re ready to stop crying. Several minutes pass before you realize how fast her pulse is. Is she upset?

You sneak a glance at Weiss and she is looking at you like you’re the most important thing she’s ever seen. In the bright glow of the moon you can see that her eyes are sparkling with unshed tears. You frown and look at her questioningly. She shakes her head and closes her eyes, the smallest of smiles tugging her lips as a teardrop rolls down her face. You cautiously lower your head back to her chest, listening as her heart rate slows. She brushes hair off your forehead, tucking it behind your ear, and wipes the sweat from your brow.

A moment later, your heart jolts as soft lips press into your temple. They linger, warm and gentle, filling your stomach with a painful sense of exhilaration.

Nervously, you lean into her kiss, savoring the surprising heat of her lips on your skin. Slowly, she works her way down your face, kissing your damp eyelids and cheeks, brushing away the tear tracks with her mouth. She untangles her fingers from your hair and cups your jaw, tugging your face a little closer.

You can feel your brain jamming. This can't be happening. This is Weiss Schnee, the Ice Queen. This is Weiss, the girl who hates being touched. This is Weiss, the girl who let you sleep in her bed, who brought you for a walk and didn't ask any questions. This is the girl who held you close as the sun came up. This is Weiss. Maybe, this is perfect.

Your mind goes entirely blank when her lips find yours. She is soft and sweet and everything you didn't know you wanted. She is gentle and clumsy and trying her best to be good to you. You vaguely notice that your hand is now tangled in the hair at the base of her neck.

You're not sure why but you've become acutely aware of the way she smells. Like fresh wildflowers and the forest after it rains. You bite her lip much too hard and she flinches away, her hand leaving your face as if scalded. Her eyes meet yours for a moment before she looks away, deliberately avoiding your gaze.

“S-sorry,” you manage. She is blushing furiously, her pale skin glowing in the moonlight. She doesn't reply.

“Weiss?” You tilt your head and wait until she makes eye contact. The look on her face is unfathomable. You're immediately nervous once more.

“What was that?”

“I...I don't know Ruby. I just wanted you to feel better.” She looks away again, embarrassment clouding her features. You slide your hand from her neck to her chin and pull gently until she turns back to you.

“Well, it worked. I do feel better now.”

“You...you do?” She sounds absolutely bewildered. You nod and smile slightly to reinforce the point.

“You...liked that?” She sounds like she's choking on the words, like they're poison on her tongue. They must feel painfully unfamiliar in her mouth.

“Yeah I mean... I didn't know I would and I really wasn't expecting that but it was nice. You smell nice and you're soft and sweet and it made me feel loved.” Consternation crosses her face and you backtrack. “I just mean that it was really nice. Not that I think you love me or anything.” As the words leave your mouth you realize that they're not entirely true. When she kissed you it felt like love and it felt like something you wanted forever. It felt like she wanted it, too.

“What if I did?” Her voice is so soft that you almost miss the question. She's looking at you but her eyes are unfocused.

What if...what if? What if this is what you've been missing? What if this is what you want? What if?

“Then you do.”

“So where does that leave us, then?” She sounds uncertain, like this is entirely foreign. It occurs to you that it’s probably just as novel to her as to you.

“I guess that leaves us....here.” You kiss her cheek near her ear and she shivers as you work your way down her jaw, finally reconnecting with those blissfully sweet lips.

The kiss is long and deep, and your teeth clack and you bite each other too much but it's perfect and romantic in spite of this, or maybe even because of it.

When you finally break apart, every one of your nerves is on fire, and you're feeling things in places you hadn't been aware of until tonight. Weiss is breathing heavily, her fingers clutching your pajama shirt in a bunch at the middle of your back. You can see your longing expression reflected in her own, so you readjust until you're straddling her hips before falling back into a kiss, left hand pressing into her shoulder, the other on her waist.

Everything is getting hazy now, yet it feels sharper than ever. You're acutely aware of how her tongue tastes, but you're also raptly focused on the sensation of her fingers in your hair, the slight pressure of her hips pushing up against you, the strain of her abdominal muscles under your palm as she rises to meet your lips.

It occurs to you that you want more. You want her, all of her. Your hand travels from her stomach towards her chest, slowly, asking for permission to continue. Her lips hesitate for a moment, and her breath stutters, but she does not protest. You trail your fingers higher until they're tracing over the small round of her breast. She shivers beneath you as you explore cautiously. Frustrated, wanting to feel skin, you lift yourself slightly and slip your hand beneath her nightgown, grazing up her thigh to her warm stomach.

Weiss breaks the kiss without warning, seizing your elbow and pushing it away. She looks horrified and you immediately straighten, stammering an apology. She forcibly rolls onto her side, unbalancing you. You sit next to her instead.

“Weiss? Are you okay? Did I go too fast?” You feel absurd asking, and now you feel stupid for thinking she wanted to be touched. Weiss shakes her head without answering, turning away from you.

“Weiss? Please talk to me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, please. I didn’t mean to.” You hesitantly touch her shoulder, but she shrinks away from the contact. You sit back and wait.

After a minute of unsteady breathing, Weiss takes a deep breath and rolls onto her back, eyes closed, lashes damp.

“Ruby, I’m sorry. I can’t do that.” She sounds ashamed.

“Why not?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Oh...okay. Um, do you want to stay up here?” She looks at you like you're crazy. Then she snorts in laughter.

“I'd love to.” She makes room for you to lay down, and you lie on your shoulder so you can face her. She rolls over to look you in the eyes, and then she kisses the tip of your nose.

“Thank you for understanding, Ruby.” But you don't understand.

 

* * *

 

You wake up to Yang’s face inches from your own. She has a smirk on her lips, and her eyes are glowing crimson.

“Y-aaaaah!” You push yourself back as far as you can, stopping short when your body runs into a large lump. Twisting wildly, you see that the lump is Ruby, and you are in her bed.

“Wha—”

“I see you’ve taken to sleeping with my sister.” Her smirk widens into a wolfish grin and you can feel your face burning.

“No! It’s not what it looks like!” Yang throws her head back in laughter, and when she looks at you again, her eyes have returned to their familiar, soft lilac.

“I’m not stupid, Weiss. I said sleeping, not fucking. I know my sister. Although I _am_ surprised that she wasn’t the one who wanted to stop. She’s always been so shy about boys…I guess it’s because she likes girls.” Yang chuckles to herself and hops off your bed to the floor, humming gaily as if she hadn’t just scared the life out of you.

Beside you, Ruby has barely stirred. She must be a heavy sleeper.

“Oh, and Weiss?” Yang is looking over her shoulder at you.

“What?”

“If you hurt her, I will end you.” Her voice is honey sweet, and there is a flicker of mischief in her eyes that tells you she’s not joking. She picks up her towel and swaggers off to the shower, still humming.

Blake is curled up on her bed reading, with Zwei at her feet. She appears not to have noticed the altercation, save for the slightest hint of a smile playing around her mouth. The moment you hear the shower, you round on her.

“ _Blake Belladonna!”_ She turns her head towards you absently, her eyes still glued to her page. A moment later she looks up at you innocently.

“What?” There is barely-concealed mirth in her tone, and this makes you angrier.

“ _What did you tell her?!?”_ You are whisper-shrieking to avoid waking Ruby.

“Nothing,” she protests, but her voice betrays her.

“You’re lying! You said something!”

“No, I really didn’t. Serious. I just woke her up when Ruby started talking in her sleep. She doesn’t normally do that so I thought she might need some comfort—” she laughs—“but I guess I woke the wrong person.” You can feel the heat rising in your face again. You want to hide in the bathroom, but Yang is in there and you really don’t want to face her right now.

Instead, you slide off Ruby's bunk and begin getting dressed. You decide to skip your shower so you can drink an extra cup of coffee at breakfast. You escape the moment you're clothed, leaving your teammates to rouse your partner for class. Today is going to be long.

 

Judging by the vacant look in her eyes, you can tell Ruby skipped breakfast and missed coffee. You slide her the mug you brought along, made with cream and five sugars. She accepts it silently, hunching sleepily over the steaming drink.

Doctor Oobleck is speeding through a lesson about the creation of the White Fang. You catch nothing except the names of the founders. Beside you, Ruby is beginning to come out of her stupor. On your other side, Blake is doodling in her notebook, plainly bored of relearning things she grew up knowing.

You spend the rest of the lesson gazing idly at the back of Jaune's head below you, lost in thoughts about the previous night. Biting regret hits you and you wince inwardly. You almost wish you hadn't touched Ruby at all, because you had no idea it would be like this. Definitive, undeniable proof that Ruby believes you are worth loving. Despite years of fighting to have your life to yourself, telling yourself you deserve better than being treated like a means to an end, you feel unworthy of Ruby. You don’t deserve her trust, her friendship, her _forgiveness_. She is pure, whole, and free; you are dirty and broken and chained down. She shouldn’t care for you at all, but she does, because that’s how she _is._ And you love it and hate it but mostly you just feel guilty.

Your brooding is interrupted when everyone begins packing their bags. You shake your thoughts away and gather your notebooks. Ruby catches your eye as you stand, and she smiles warmly at you; you try and fail to return a sincere smile. She grasps your wrist and squeezes gently, then slides something into your hand before walking off.

Oobleck zooms out of the room moments later, leaving you standing alone in the classroom. You look down and see a piece of paper folded neatly in your hand.

You unfold it and read: “I need to talk to you. Meet me in the room at lunch. I'll bring food. –Ruby” You inhale deeply and then sigh.

* * *

 

 

The door opens and she is standing at the threshold, looking apprehensive. You hope she likes the food you chose. You want the hard part over fast, so you waste no time getting to the point.

“Weiss, I need to know something.” A look of panic crosses her face and you immediately regret your choice of words.

“What is it?”

“Well, I just want to know...well I want to make sure...did I do something wrong, last night?” You can't help but blurt out the question. Her panicked expression is replaced by a cool, collected look.

“No, you didn't do anything wrong. It's just me. Don't worry about it.”

“But I am worried about it. I made you upset. I need to know what's okay and what isn't. I don't...I don't ever want to hurt you.” Her guarded expression falters momentarily before smoothing over.

“Don't worry about that Ruby. You're not going to hurt me.”

Confused, you ask, “How do you know that?” She snorts derisively.

“Because you're not like that. You don't do things with malice. You're not like other people, Ruby. You're always kind and gentle and you see the best in everyone and everything, even me.” A flash of sorrow crosses her face and disappears. “So, I know you won't hurt me.”

“Oh,” you say, though her answer has left you with more questions than before. Weiss starts towards the bathroom and you can't bite your tongue anymore.

“Why do you think you're so horrible?” Weiss rounds on you, her features twisted with shock and defensiveness.

“What's that's supposed to mean?!” Her tone is indignant and scathing.

“I-I'm sorry. It's just, you...you talk like you think you're awful. Is that why you're always up late? Is that why you say things like you just did? Do you hate yourself?” Weiss takes a step back, fighting for a neutral expression.

“Ruby I...I don't want to talk about my problems. They're not for you to worry about.” She's really struggling to keep her composure now.

“But I already do worry! I want to help you, Weiss. I want you to feel better. I want you to love yourself. It hurts me to see you hurting!”

“WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT ME?!” She's shouting now, and you flinch as she continues angrily. “I'm so horrible, I'm awful and mean and wrong. You shouldn't give a fuck about me after all the terrible things I've said to you! I don't deserve a second chance. But you’re just so fucking nice all the time and I can’t understand how you’re so forgiving! I don't...I don't deserve you,” she trails off into a broken whisper, tears spilling down her cheeks. You step forward, reaching to comfort her.

“Weiss...where is this all coming from?” She wipes her eyes furiously, her voice returning with anger as she takes a step back, away from you.

“I thought I could finally be free here but I'm not! I'm the same as I've always been. I'm the same bitter, lonely bitch and I'm never going to be anything else. Coming here was a mistake. My father was right about me. I don't deserve anything.” She reflexively puts her hand to her face, tracing her fingers over her scar.

“Weiss that's a terrible thing to say. That’s not true at all! You're amazing! You're so smart and good at fighting and you always help me study and you bring me coffee and you look out for all of us. And when you and Blake got in that fight over the White Fang you made an effort to understand and change what you've believed your entire life! Weiss, you're not the same person you were when we met. You're so different...you're so amazing!” She looks at you with watery eyes and you can see a flicker of hope in the depths of their brilliant blue. Emboldened, you move closer and continue.

“Whatever your dad said to you is a lie. You can be whoever you want. You deserve good things because you are trying to be a better person. How could I hold anything against you when it's clear as day that you're trying so hard? You're not horrible Weiss. I promise you're not. Please believe me.” Weiss inhales deeply and blinks away the last of her tears. You wipe the salt stains from her cheeks, taking care to avoid lingering over her scar, and offer a genuine smile, which she returns.

Before you have time to react, she's kissing you hard, her hands clutching your blazer lapels like they’re the only thing keeping her here. Bewildered, you return the kiss slowly, easing her desperate pace until you find a rhythm that suits the two of you.

When you break apart, she leans her forehead against yours, both hands around your neck.

“You are so lovely,” she murmurs, her breath warm against your face. You don’t know how to answer, so you say nothing.

Suddenly, a voice shatters the quiet.

“This is all very touching, but Weiss, could you please unhand my sister? I just ate and I don’t want it to come back up.” You leap apart, both shouting in surprise. Yang is standing in the doorway, a devilish grin on her face. Behind her, Blake is stifling her laughter.

“Seriously you two, get a room,” Yang says as she moves towards her bed, kicking off her shoes and unbuttoning her blazer. Blake follows her in, similarly shrugging out of her uniform.

“This _is_ our room,” Weiss shoots back defiantly, and Yang looks around incredulously.

“Huh. I was under the impression that this room belongs to all four of us.” Weiss’s cheeks tint with color and Yang stretches out on Blake’s bedspread, yawning. “I’m going to take a nap before sparring. Wake me up before you go.” With that, she rolls over and falls silent.

Blake nonchalantly slides into her bed next to Yang, plucks her book from the bookshelf, and begins to read. You exchange a bewildered look with Weiss, whose face is still red.

Later, during sparring class, you swear you see Weiss take a few unfair shots at Yang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't stop writing this fic, so here's another chapter. Let me know if you like it, please! Comments are super appreciated! Thank you for all the support. <3  
> Intro quote taken from Broken Mirrors by Rise Against.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weiss sings in the shower. Ruby learns about her past.

_Knowing fundamental truth_  
_Doesn't seem to matter,_  
_After such tremendous abuse_  
_'Cause I've worked this ground since my youth,_  
_And still, the land has yet to bear any sort of fruit._

 

* * *

 

“… _Now I'm so much stronger, I'm not yours any longer; I’ve got a message here for you_ …”

You're standing with your ear pressed against the bathroom door, listening to Weiss singing in the shower. Shortly after you ended up as teammates, you had spent some time in the library looking to see if you could find any further information about her, wanting to know to exactly what lengths you would have to go to appease the haughty heiress.

You'd found press releases on a charity event she had done last year. “SCHNEE DUST CO. HEIRESS WEISS SCHNEE WOWS AUDIENCE WITH STUNNING VOCALS.” You clicked the video and listened to her sing. It gave you goosebumps, especially the lyrics. You resolved on that day to be kind to her, and to listen to her sing whenever you could. But she never sang around you, so you didn’t mention it. You figured maybe it was just another reminder of a place she didn't want to think about anymore, a person she didn’t want to be.

But now, here, with your head leaning against the cold wooden door and her voice ringing through your ears, you're pretty sure this is something she loves doing.

“… _never-ending condescending, now I just refuse. I don’t care what it costs me, I know I almost lost me_ …” She falls silent for a few beats, the water splattering loudly. Then she begins singing a familiar tune:

“ _Mirror mirror what's behind you, save me from the things I see. I can keep it from the world, why won't you let me hide from me?_ ”

The water turns off and you quickly retreat to Weiss's bed, scrambling to pull a book from the shelf. A few minutes later, Weiss comes out of the bathroom, her hair wrapped in a towel and her bathrobe tied loosely at her hip. She comes up beside you and lets her hair down, toweling it vigorously and then handing you her hairbrush. You put your book down and brush her hair, savoring the way she sighs contentedly when your fingertips trail across her neck.

“Hey, Weiss?”

“Hmm?”

“Did you write those songs that you sing in the shower?”

“Wha--oh.” You see her cheeks dust with color from your position behind her. “Uh, yeah. I always wanted to be a singer when I was little. I was allowed to back then, before everything started.” She sighs deeply and you wait for her to continue. “I know how to play piano, too. But when I was eight the White Fang started killing SDC executives, then my mom left a year later. My dad was never the same after that. I mean, he was always strict and had high expectations, but he had never been cruel. He stopped letting us do anything. Winter and me, I mean. He started saying terrible things, doing terrible things. When Winter told him she was joining the military, he hit her. And she never told me because she was afraid I'd rebel even more and end up getting hurt. I guess that was her way of being a good big sister.” She laughs wryly. “My father never hit me. But he might as well have been the one who ruined my face.”

You freeze in the middle of a brush stroke. Weiss never spoke of her scar, ever. You had followed her lead and avoided asking about it, or even touching it.

Cautiously, you proceed. “What do you mean?”

“I guess you can consider it the price I paid for coming to Beacon.”

You begin braiding her hair, something Yang stopped letting you do once she discovered her semblance. Weiss huffs a heavy sigh and continues, bitterness leeching into her words.

“All my life I've been expected to be what my father wants. I’ve had to look, think, speak, and act the right way. Intelligence, beauty, and skill were requirements, not options. Obedience was the ultimate expectation. I was forced to learn fighting so that I could protect myself, but more importantly, so I could be flaunted as a trophy daughter. He expected me to be exceptional at combat, but he never expected me to love it. He was surprised by my decision to become a huntress, but he was going to let me attend Atlas Academy. When he found out I had already been accepted into Beacon, he was furious.” A hardened edge enters her voice, and you feel vaguely sick.

“What did he do?”

“He gave me an opponent he thought unbeatable, and informed me that if I insisted on being selfish, then he expected me to win. He didn't even come to watch.” Her voice is full of venom, and you feel hatred surge in your gut.

“I almost lost. My aura was completely depleted…if I’d been hit again I could have died. It was supposed to be a lesson in respect, but he underestimated me. He didn't speak to me after that, except to tell me how very disappointed he was that the heiress to his company was both selfish and mutilated. I haven't talked to him since. The only reason I’m still his heir is because he doesn’t have any other children. He can’t exactly hand things over to Winter after the legal mess he made when he revoked her inheritance.”

You finish the braid off and lay your forehead quietly against the back of Weiss's shoulder. She slumps into the contact, apparently eager to forget the conversation. Over the past few weeks she has really opened up to being touched. It has become painfully clear to you how starved for physical affection Weiss really is, so you give it to her at every possible chance. You can't imagine growing up deprived of loving touches from your family. Yang’s hugs were one of your favorite things, right behind having your hair ruffled by Qrow. You get viscerally upset thinking about a young Weiss, dying for healthy affection from her parents. You try to make up for it every day.

 

* * *

 

The weight of Ruby's head on your shoulder is soothing. You wish she were kissing you, but you don't move to make that happen. You wish you could kiss her all the time. When she touches you, everything washes away and your entire world becomes the soft scent of roses and the sweet taste of her mouth. You feel like she's mending your wounded heart. But then when you're alone, everything comes crashing back, and you regret things all over again.

You still instinctively freeze up when she kisses the back of your neck. She notices your tension and rubs your arms gently, urging you to relax. You gradually ease into her touch, now savoring the way her lips brush lightly against your skin.

Ruby slips one arm around you, her other hand tugging gently at your collar in an effort to expose your shoulder for kisses. You shrug the robe off your shoulder, and Ruby trails her fingers over it, softly pressing her lips to every inch of skin. You close your eyes and twirl the end of your braid in one hand. You're nervous, like you always are, but you force this down and try to enjoy the attention.

Telling yourself that Ruby was simply seeking intimacy anywhere she could had made you feel worse than the thought of her wanting it only from you. You hadn't expected to be so upset about the idea that you were meaningless to her; after all, not so long ago you wanted that to be true. With neither thought appealing, you feel trapped in a purgatory of emotions, unsure whether to cling or to push. When you are like this, surrounded by the soft fragrance of roses and pressed into her warmth, you feel like you need her to stay.

You are shocked out of your sulking thoughts when a hand slides over your breast, tickling the sensitive skin through your robe. You tense again, but unlike usual, Ruby doesn't back off. You grab her hand but she still doesn't budge.

"Ruby," you warn. She doesn't answer, so you turn to give her a stern look. When your eyes meet, however, she pulls you into a kiss that makes you forget you were trying to discipline her. Her hands are clutching the front of your robe, dragging you closer until you're flush against her chest, hands searching for support. They land on her hips, and she sighs into your mouth, a sound that makes your heart jolt. Her hands skim over your collarbones and come to rest around your neck. They're hot, searing your skin in a way that seems far too alluring.

Seconds pass in exaggerated slowness as you kiss, until you feel her left hand wander downwards, and you find yourself fighting panic once more. Curiosity and desire narrowly defeat fear, and you remain acquiescent to her advances.

An eruption of sensation shocks your body when Ruby's fingers grace your bare skin. Her touch is feather light against your breast, just present enough to give you goosebumps. Heat flares in your stomach, a heat you've never experienced with such intensity before. A low moan escapes your throat, and you feel your cheeks flush with embarrassment, but Ruby doesn't seem to notice. In fact, she seems to be spurred on by the atrocious noise you'd made. Her kisses deepen, her tongue now sliding into your mouth, and her other hand falls to your chest as well before slipping down your ribcage to settle on your bare hip. You shiver involuntarily at her touch, feeling an inexplicable urge to experience her skin under your palms.

You realize dimly that while Ruby has been exploring you, your own hands have been passively resting at her waist. You rectify this by slipping your hands under her tank top, skimming them around her waist and to the small of her back, tugging her desperately closer. A small, almost gasping moan fills your ears and it's beautiful and tantalizing and you want to hear it again, so you move towards Ruby's chest.

She whimpers as your fingers find their target, and you are definitely in too deep now. You can't stop yourself when you hook your fingers at the hem of her shirt and pull the soft fabric up to her collarbones, exposing her pale body. You break contact with her lips, feeling breathless as you lower your mouth to her breast, reveling in the heat of her skin and the way she shudders as if it were cold out.

You feel warmth in places you long believed to be unreachable. Your composure is quickly melting as your hands find any part of this girl that they possibly can. She is breathing heavily and this is more exhilarating than any battle you've been in before.

You begin to miss Ruby's lips, so you kiss a trail back to her face. When you do, her fingers briefly fumble with your bathrobe sash until it comes undone, and then she slips the robe off your shoulders, pulling you sideways onto the bed. A thrill passes through your spine as her bare skin makes contact with yours, and then a flicker of doubt comes alive in the back of your brain.

Everything is happening really quickly now and you'd probably be terrified if your mind weren’t going blank. You can feel yourself switching to autopilot, something you do instinctively when you're forced into unpleasant or unfamiliar situations, like when you have to attend SDC galas and talk to stuffy rich people, when your father is scolding you...or like now, when Ruby's warm hand is suddenly between your thighs. Even the burst of tingling, white-hot pleasure that explodes across your entire body when her fingers find your most sensitive spots isn't enough to string your mind back.

You can hear yourself making ridiculous noises of pleasure but you're entirely disconnected from the experience. That is, until you feel Ruby's fingers enter you.

In a single instant you are jerked back to the present, your muscles clenching hard on her fingers as the shock of the sudden intrusion hits you. You give a sharp yelp of surprise and everything stops. A pair of wide, gray eyes fill your vision.

“I'm sorry! Are you okay? Did I hurt you? Was it too much? You seemed really into it so I just thought…I thought…” the sentence dies on her lips and she looks at you with newfound distress and shame.

Vaguely, you register the tears sliding down your face. They're hot and they're blurring your vision, turning Ruby's face fuzzy. You're distantly thankful that you don't have to see how upset she looks now.

“Weiss?” She sounds terrified.

“Hmm,” you manage.

“Say something, please.” A pleading tone enters her voice and you numbly blink away the remaining tears. You sit up and draw your knees to your chest, hugging yourself to hide your exposed body. Slowly, you become aware of your heartbeat pounding in your groin, the slickness of your thighs and the sweat on your brow. How long were you having…doing…whatever that was?

“What do you want me to say?” Your voice comes out flat and offbeat, your throat catching each individual word before dispensing them into the air.

“Um, answering my questions would be a good start.” Her eyes are full of worry, and you smile mechanically at her. Somewhere in the back of your brain you realize that your expression probably looked less like a reassuring smile and more like a grimace, given that Ruby grew even more apprehensive.

“Sorry, what were they again?”

“Are you okay? Did I hurt you? Was that too much?”

You think for a moment, your brain processing slowly, before answering. “Yes I'm okay, no I'm not hurt, and…I don't know. I don't know what happened. Can I have my robe?” Ruby leans over the edge of the bed to retrieve your bathrobe, and hands it to you, her silver eyes still full of concern.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know what to say, Ruby. I just panicked. I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry. I should have asked first, I shouldn’t have assumed…” You fix her with a stare, and she falls quiet, looking like a chastised puppy.

“Ruby, you don’t need to apologize. It’s not unreasonable to assume what you did, given the situation. I’m just, not ready for…that _._ ”

Ruby nods, still looking unnerved by your reaction. Your reaction…

 _What the hell was that, anyways?_ You were trying so hard to swallow your fear and push forward with Ruby. You _wanted_ this. You _wanted_ her to touch you. You _wanted_ her bare skin pressed against yours. What happened?

If you were being honest with yourself, what happened was that you had still been thinking of your father and all the pain he has caused. Your heart was still aching from opening up and telling Ruby about your childhood. Maybe you were asking too much of yourself to let her in physically as well.

“Weiss?” As you look up to Ruby’s face, you realize that you’re rubbing your scar.

“Yes, Ruby?” She’s fidgeting slightly, apparently uncomfortable.

“Why do you have scars on your hip? I mean, did you do that to yourself?” Straightforward. You decide to answer now, while you’re still feeling relatively emotionless.

“Yes, Ruby.” She looks horrified, and it occurs to you that she’s probably never encountered this sort of thing before. Guilt and shame wash over you, and everything caves inwards, your emotions returning like a tsunami wave.

“But…why?” She sounds hurt, like the scars scattered across your hip had somehow wronged her. You sigh, feeling terrible now for letting her find out this way.

“Because, I…I just.…it was a way to cope,” you finish lamely.

“Cope? Why would you hurt yourself to cope? That sounds like the opposite of what you should do. And how did you even leave marks? Doesn’t your aura heal things? I get your face because your aura was depleted but…how?” She trails off into silence, plainly realizing how insensitive her questions are. You shake your head at her tactlessness, relieved somewhat that she’s more curious of the mechanics than the reasons.

“I did it to cope because I’m stupid and I took too long to realize that I could come to my friends for help. And yes, my aura does heal me, but I choose to not activate it because, well because if I let it heal immediately, it—” you cut yourself off; Ruby is far too young and innocent to hear that you derive relief and pleasure from seeing your own blood spattering across your hands.

“Weiss?” She has tears in her eyes, and you curse yourself for making her hurt. You want more than anything right now to push her away, to remove her from your sick world.

“What?”

“Please don’t do that to yourself. Please.”

“Ruby it’s not that simple, I can’t just—” She silences you with a hard, quick kiss before pulling back again, keeping her hands on your shoulders.

“Please, Weiss, at least promise me that you’ll try to ask for help instead.” You struggle to meet her eyes, afraid of what you might see there. But you still force yourself to speak.

“Okay, I’ll try.” She visibly relaxes, some of the sorrow leaving her features. “Can we go to bed now? I’m tired and I promised Pyrrha I’d spar with her tomorrow morning. She wants to get some sword practice in with someone who can give more of a challenge than Jaune.” Ruby’s face relaxes fully now, and she smiles warmly at you.

“Of course.”

You stand and go to your closet, digging for your nightgown. It’s nowhere in sight. You realize with a sinking feeling that you’d spilled coffee on it the night before.

“Hey Ruby?”

“Yo,” she responds casually. You nip back annoyance at her slang.

“Can I borrow some pajamas? My nightgown is in the wash.”

“Yeah, go ahead. Third drawer, left side.” You find a plain tank top and some black shorts and pull them on before returning to your bed. Ruby is already under the blankets, her pillow now sharing the head space with your own. It’s been awhile since she slept in her own bed, but you’re grateful for her steady, reassuring presence at night. You’ve been able to sleep lately, without having nightmares. She hasn’t had her own nightmare, either, so you have no real quarrel with sharing the slightly too-small bed. Except, of course, that she tended to sprawl and end up on top of you, breathing heavily in your ear at three o’clock in the morning. That was a compromise you were willing to make.

The moment you lay down Ruby hooks an arm over you, nuzzling into the back of your neck. You sigh and let her heat seep into your skin. You’re so grateful that she let your odd behavior from earlier slide. You’re even more grateful that you still feel like you can share a bed with her after what had happened. If she were anyone besides herself, you’d certainly be far too mortified. But Ruby has a way of making you feel comfortable in your own skin, scars and all.

As you’re about to fall asleep, Ruby’s heat melting any remaining thoughts from your mind, she calls your name softly.

“Weiss?”

“Yeah,” you mumble, not entirely awake anymore.

“I don’t think your scar ruins your face.”

“Wh-uh?” You struggle to figure out why she’s saying this, but you come up empty. She doesn’t leave you wondering for long.

“Earlier, you said that your father may as well have been the one who ruined your face. I don’t think it’s ruined. I think you’re beautiful, scar and all.”

You roll over to look at her, half expecting pity or even malice. But her molten eyes are earnest and full of sincerity. The ever-loosening chains around your heart snap entirely, falling away as your chest fills with affection for this girl who loves so beautifully.

“Thank you, Ruby.” Your tone fails to convey your appreciation, so you kiss her forehead as well, trying to explain with your lips that you need her to be patient with you. When you lean back, her eyes are closed, a smile painted across her sleepy face.

_Thank you for not hating me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Sorry for the wait, I've been busy moving out of my apartment! I've been sitting on this chapter for a couple of days, and I'm still not sure that I'm entirely satisfied with it. Let me know what you think.  
> Intro quote taken from This Loneliness Won't Be The Death Of Me by Being As An Ocean.
> 
> P.S. It's up to your imagination why Blake and Yang aren't in the dorm room during this scene. ;)


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